Single Mothers

Becoming pregnant in an already strained and unmarried relationship, I was young and dumb. At 26, this was my second adult steady and serious relationship. I was ready to be married and start a family like the rest of my friends. Deep down I knew that God had a different plan for me even if I didn’t like it. I struggled with the decision of abortion and decision of marrying someone I knew God did not want me to be with. Two extremes, but my world had been turned upside down and thinking clearly was not an option. Thankfully I had prayer warriors going to battle for me. Being a single mom was my worst nightmare coming true… So I thought.

This was the reason why I had stuck around. I believed in trust and trying to build a foundation of a happy family environment, but was continually disappointed with the lack of support and constant lies of an obviously disturbed partner. For some reason, I had felt it was my duty to uncover the reason why he was the way he was...and try and change him. That is when it happened, I had fallen pregnant and was in an unhealthy relationship that was going no where. The truth is that you can't possibly change a person that doesn't want to change themselves.
The pregnancy itself progressed as pregnancies do, with little regard to time or place. I had a wonderful pregnancy with no morning sickness. As the pregnancy progressed, I began to wonder if things would be ok after all. My hormones were completely crazy and I waivered back and fourth as to if there were someway I could make this soon to be daddy right. I was certain that we were having a baby boy, but the scans revealed nothing more than healthy girl.
The labour was hard, extremely hard. The pain was awful. But when I held my daughter in my arms, I never felt more love. She was perfect, healthy and a good little size. She looked so tiny to me. As I began the tranisition to parent hood, I felt awful. I loved my baby, more than anything, but was hit by a bad case of baby blues. I knew the moment I left the hospital my innocent baby girl would not have a father.... what had I done? How could I bring this child into a situation like this. I cried the entire ride home staring out the window.
I moved into a small house and tried to salvage what was left of our relationship as he began to show up less and less. I knew it was over when he stopped coming when he said he would. The last time my daughter saw her father she was 9 months old. January 3rd 2006. That day I had a gut feeling he would never be back. That same day I found out my mom, my rock had cancer. I have never been so scared in my life.
After coming to grasp with the thought of my daughter depending on me and me alone I felt more confident in myself, but still struggled with the occasional pang of guilt about taking my child away from her father, not for him but for the child who would grow up without a father.
Of course she continued to grow and learn but I often wondered if she was losing something by not having the male role model of a father in her life. I avoided anything that talked about daddies. No Three Little Bears Book, no movies about daddy, I was terrified to say the word around her. Avoiding the word did not stop her from learning “D” word. I will never forget when she picked up the phone at a little under two and said “call my daddy”. I had to go into my bedroom close the door and cry my eyes out for a couple minutes, regroup and go back out with a smile. Where did she learn that? I had done so well with the banning of that word from my vocabulary. It was time to see a physcologist. Come to find out it is 100 percent normal for children to implement a mother and father into their life no matter what the family dynamics are. We have sense read Three Little Bears and I do not panic when she plays with her dolls and there is a mom and a dad.
I am well aware that a father figure is needed in every girls life and the only thing I can make sense of is that my daughter does have a father. We both have the most amazing father anyone could have. He never leaves us, he thinks we are the most beautiful, most intelligent, amazing daughters he could ever have. He is always with us even if we can’t see him. His name is Jesus Christ and he is much bigger and has more love to give than any earthly father could ever give us. I often struggle with what I will actually say when my daughter asks the dreaded question but it is my daughter that continues to light the way. That horrible dreaded question keeps going back to something beautiful, Jesus Christ.
She doesn’t understand about relationships or guilt, she just wants a mother who loves her and who wants her. I provide the warmth and love she seeks and with a smile on my face, I see that she has prospered and became a beautiful toddler.
She is going on 4 now and I know I have many trying years ahead of me, but we have tackled everything that life has thrown at us and will continue to with the grace, love and diligence that God gives me daily. I feel his hands on my back gently nudging me in the right direction. I know that if I stay the course we will be just fine and my daughter will grow up to be a healthy, confident, inspiring God fearing woman.
It has never been easy but I wouldn't take it back for the world. I am thankful that I have taken her away from such an unhealthy environment. I can understand the intense guilt and maybe I wouldn't have been able to take on the challangel if I didn’t have the strength that only my heavenly father could give me but now I am strong and happy and my daughter reaps the benefit, it shows in her ever glowing and contagious smile.
Of course I still want her to have a relationship with a healthy father, but I won't guilt myself or allow society to guilt me into it and I know I have made the right decision for my daughter.
Finally, to all those single parents out there, keep it up and remember that you are doing what is best for your child. There will always be hard days but your child looks on you as their world...

1 In you O Lord I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. 2 Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. 3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Pslam 31: 1-3